Science Has Not Caught up to Me Yet

child holding unicorn toy
Photo by Kaboompics .com on

Please let me know where I can find hope. Or an unicorn. Magic would be nice too. I am not really picky right now. Basically I just need my OCD and anxiety to take it down a couple of notches. They are working overtime in making my life a living hell. I am out of spoons guys. Please do not worry. Although I am suffering, I am NOT suicidal. I just want to put that out there, so no one worries, ok?

I had a lot of hope riding on TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I had an evaluation yesterday and it was AWFUL. The doctor had the bedside manner of Dr. House (minus the brilliant genius part). The evaluation lasted less than ten minutes and I was basically told that I was not a good candidate. I am too tired to go into too many details now, but it was so disappointing. I spent way too many spoons getting to that appointment and now I am just drained. I am getting another opinion, so we will see about that. The main issue is that TMS is not yet FDA approved for anxiety and OCD. I do have depression, so I could do TMS for that and hope that it helps for the anxiety and OCD, but that doctor did not inspire confidence that this was the way too go. It was very inspiring (yes, I am being sarcastic) when he said, “I had a patient like you and she quit half way through.” Thanks for the encouragement doc… Are you sure that you picked the right profession? Maybe you meant to be a dream killer instead?

I am exhausted guys. I have been on every medication combination out there. My current cocktail keeps me from collapsing in a puddle of anxiety, but my evil ghosts (anxiety and OCD) still hang out making ruckus on my mind. Their close cousin, depression, also visits occasionally. The medications leave me very tired and every day is a battle. I think that I may be sleepwalking and running a marathon overnight. That is how tired I am.

Scientists, please consider my brain the new frontier. It needs exploration. There has to be something out there for me. It might not exist yet. But hopefully it will soon. And preferably before the year 2050.